Oh What a Holiday It Has Been

The holidays have been. . . what's the word. . . different, hard, heavy. . . .these last 2 years. It is hard to be excited about them. We want to be for Josh and Mike. And, at times, it seems like we can remember what it was like before. . . . the excitement, the joy, the blissfully happy moments. Ah, but then grief settles in for a nice long nap and we return to. . . well. . . to life.

But, there have been some good times and I want to share them. The holidays started off with this:





Many of you know that I bought the boys a dry erase board some time ago and it resides in Luke's room. The boys often leave him messages on it. But I just thought these were the best, don't you?

And then there was this:





So many people came to release balloons for Luke on his birthday. We surely do feel loved and supported by our wonderful friends and family!!!


And no one would want to miss this:




Christmas Day! Our boys in their new jammies, big grins on there faces, and love abounding!!

Last, but not least, this:



Most of the Butikofer grandkids. Only 2 are missing. . . the oldest grandchild, who couldn't be there, and Luke. Although this picture hurts the most, it is also the most precious. Look at all those beautiful kids. Family is EVERYTHING!!

So, that is what our holidays looked like and I think it looks pretty good.

Happy Birthday Luke

Happy 4th Birthday Luke! We love you so much! We so wish we could spend this day with you. I wonder what you would be like as a 4 year old. You had so much attitude at 2 that I think I can imagine!


Holding to my tradition, I want to tell you about the day of your birth. My labor started at around 1:00 in the morning. Brian and I had a party we went to the night before that I helped with and we suspect that is what put me into labor. We went to the hospital and I was dilated to a 3. So they wanted me to walk around and they even had me sit in a warm tub to see if I would dilate so more. After an hour, I was almost a 4 so they decided to admit me and get things going. And then the waiting began. We waited. And waited. And waited. And waited. I just wasn't progressing. The doctor finally checked me and discovered that you were trying to come out the wrong way; you were face up. So he tried to turn you four times so you were coming out the right way, and you just wouldn't stay. So the doc said that I would just have to get you out this way. So I pushed and pushed and pushed and you finally came into the world at around 4 o'clock. You were a little squirt at just 6 lbs. 6 oz., but we were thrilled to have you here! And we are still thrilled to have you in our family. . .forever!

Something amazing happened today, son. Your dad and I went over to your Aunt Tina's because she wanted to show us something. To our suprise, she and lots of our wonderful friends and family had made blankets to honor your wonderful little life. We are donating them to The Linus Project in your name. The goal was to get 23 blankets, but they did 43 just for you. . . and for us. Every blanket. . . . every stitch. . . all the love that went into making those blankets. . . it's so wonderfully overwhelming. You are loved and remembered by all those people. It is amazing. I am so grateful to them for doing such a loving thing for us.

Luke, we love you. I know you are with us and I know we will be together again.
With all our love,
Your Family

Time

It has been said that time is the cruelest teacher; first, she gives the test, then teaches the lesson.

Almost 2 years have now gone by since I last saw my Luke. . 2 years. . . 730 days; 17,520 hours; 1,051,200 minutes. He has now been gone from us longer than he was with us.

I have decided that time is a wonderful blessing and a cruel enemy.

During the last two years, I have learned to deal with my grief better. I have learned that I will always have a hole in my heart, but that I can be happy. I have gained a testimony of eternal families. I have grown closer to my husband. Time has helped me accomplish these things.

But, time has also ripped from me precious memories. Josh and Mike continue to grow and learn. The pictures on the wall change as they get one year older. Luke's picture remains the same. He doesn't grow. He doesn't change. I can't hear his laugh. Time has stolen that which was most precious.

"Time is the longest distance between two places."

"Death is one moment, and life is so many of them."
--Tennessee Williams

I love you my Luker boy, my little Cookie Lukey!

At Sunset

This past week, Brian and I went elk hunting. We did a lot of hiking, waiting, listening, and then more hiking. We didn't get anything, but we did get to spend some good time together. We had many unspoken conversations. We had many spoken conversations. It was good. But. . . I have to say, the best part of the trip for me was being able to see the sunset, at 7000 ft., being level with the sun as it went down. It was, well, heavenly. I feel closer to Luke in the mountains. I know it sounds crazy, but I feel closer to heaven when I am physically closer to the sky. One particular night, I was watching the sun go down from my lofty unobstructed view. It had been raining so there were storm clouds in the sky. I watched as the storm came in, blocking the sun from view. I watched as the storm moved over me, revealing the sun once more. There were also fluffy clouds tinged orange from the sun that remained which I thought was interesting. The storm clouds were moving but the sunny clouds were not. They had been there before the storm and stayed after it moved out. And, of course, being the philosophical girl I am, I related it to my life. Luke, is the sun and fluffy clouds, and the storm is this life. He is always there. But, for now, he is obstructed from my view. But, the storm will pass, and I will be able to see is light once again.

It is like getting a glimpse of heaven.

The First Day of Quiet, a.k.a., The First Day of School

Ahhhh. . . I think most of us love those all too familiar sounds of bus brakes squeaking, and children playing at the bus stops. That means that school has begun. Now, I LOVE my kids, more than anything. But, there does come a point where the summer gets to be too long and they NEED to go back to school. They need to be learning and running and making friends. It is a good time.

I do miss them during the day. I also very much miss the little man that I should be taking care of while his big brothers are at school. I can almost see him in the picture above, standing with his brothers, wanting to go to school too, waiting at the bus stop with them and waving as they drive away. And, then, running to meet them when they get home.

Someday, we will have the opportunity to make those memories.

I am sure of it.

Empty Arms

I am having one of those weeks. . . . I just ache to hold Luke. I hate (that is not even a strong enough word) having empty arms. And, no matter what I try to do to fill the void, it cannot be filled.

I try to remember every part of him. I look at pictures and blow them up to see a hand. . . a foot. . . his eyes. . . the hairs on his beautiful head. . . I just need to remember. . . I just need to feel him.

Miss you Luker boy!

It's a LONG One!!!

The last ten days have been a blur. . . .a crazy, fun blur, but still there was definite blurriness. . . possibly caused by lack of sleep, LOTS (and lots and lots and lots) of driving, and the FUN we had while on our summer family vacation this year.

It all started last Friday when we drove to Idaho Falls on our way to Montana. Why Montana, you ask? Well, one of Brian's sisters was getting married, and the Taylor family reunion was there this year. So, yes, Montana. On Saturday, we drove from Idaho Falls to Bozeman, where the Museum of the Rockies resides. They have dinosaurs and frogs and a planetarium and a gift shop. . . truly, every boys dream! We had a lot of fun and learned a lot too!








Then Sunday morning came, and we were off to Billings, where two of Brian's sisters live. We had a wonderful two days with Brian's Family. We played. We laughed. We cried. Okay, just Mike cried because he crashed with his dad while doing the 3 legged race and got all scraped up, or maybe it was because they lost to Josh and me. Anyway, it was fabulous!









Then, on Tuesday, Brian's sister got remarried. Here are a few pictures of that day. . . .






We drove home to Kuna on Wednesday so that on Thursday we could go to Brian's Aunt's remarriage in the Twin Falls temple. That was a great experience for us to be able to see her happy and excited for that day!




Then. . . . yes, it continues. Then, we went camping Friday and Saturday with some of our great friends. . . if they still want to be friends after our camping experience! We went fishing and tubing and water skiing, top all that off with a wonderful sunburn over parts you never knew you had and you have a good time, my friend.





That leaves us with today, Brian's 38th birthday. Man, he is getting up there, but he can still slalom ski, hike up mountains to get the BIG elk, snowmobile straight up a mountain, jump on the tramp with his kids, build just about anything with wood, so I figure he is doing just fine. Happy Birthday, my B! We love ya!



Now, it is FINALLY the end to this incredibly long post, but I just had to get it all in there. Whew!!!!!!