Another One

I feel as though time has no boundaries....I can say seven years have passed since Luke died, but it might as well be 70 years or 7 minutes....it still hurts.  I am glad that it doesn't hurt as often though.  Time has helped that at least.  Today as I watched a video I complied of our Luke, and tears streamed down my face, I couldn't help but be grateful to know that I will see him again.  This is but a lengthy intermission in the play of our lives.  And someday, we will get to resume where we left off.

There are no words to convey the feelings of my heart. I miss him.  I love him.  I want to hug him...kiss him...see him run....hear his voice...see him play with his brothers.

I use Luke a lot in our home as why we try so hard to do what is right.  We want to see him again. We need to live our lives so that we make him proud.

Winnie the Pooh said "How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard."

And I am lucky....

Peripheral Vision

Lately, the details of that dreadful day have been circling in my head.  I try not to give them focus on the center stage of my mind.....they stay in my peripheral vision though. Just bits and pieces swirling around.....

Sometimes I wonder if it is better just to relive it and be done, and maybe, be able to pack the memories away for awhile.  Or do I just keep them sidelined.....until they get sick of being ignored and possibly go elsewhere....

There is no check list for grief; no rule book.  Grief is as individual as a fingerprint.

It has been 2190 days, 52,560 hours, 3,153,600 minutes since I saw that thumb sucking, blanket loving, dish water blond, blue eyed baby boy.  My Luke.  My Cookey Lukey.  My  Luker boy. Sometimes I just sit and try to remember everything I can about him.  Or, when I see a beautiful sunrise or a gorgeous full moon, I wonder if he sees the same morning sky or night beauty.  I choose to believe he does.  And he knows I am thinking of him.

I think its time to change what is in my peripheral vision.....to this......

Really.....it's been 7 months?

And what an insane 7 months it's been!  School ended....birthday's celebrated....summer fun had.....reunions visited.....school restarted.....school, homework, band, lessons....school, homework, band, lessons.....repeat......whew!  I think the pictures say it all!

And I'll Have A Little of That On The Side....

This Taylor Clan started this year running and we haven't slowed down yet!  I have to admit, I love being busy.....I much prefer it over having nothing to do.....so here is what we have been up to...

Josh was asked to be in SWIMS Honor Band, which is just Soutwest Idaho middle school honor band.  He had practices twice a week for several weeks with other middle school band geeks....yea, I get to say that....until their big performance!  It was so great!!  Josh does percussion so I never get good pictures of him playing as he is ALWAYS in the back, but He ROCKED!  He is all registered for High School next year!  I can't wait to see what wonderful things he will do there!

Mike played his first season of basketball!!!  He got better every game!  He even scored some points now and then.....and even scored the first two points of his last game!  And now we are starting baseball.....the sport he loves the most!  He usually is catcher but we will see where he plays this year!  He is the perfect personality to play sports....he works hard but is easy going and doesn't let the pressure get to him.....unfortunately, I am not that way!  I am always on the edge of my seat yelling at him or the team to his embarrassment!  Sorry buddy!

Ben is......wait for it......POTTY TRAINED!  We did it!  And he did it so fast.....and now I am done FOREVER!  Although last night I had a dream we had another one and when Brian handed her to me, I remember thinking, in my dreamy state, but I don't want to potty train another one......hehe!  He is turning three soon and the sass has come out.  Whoever said the 2's were terrible must not have had a troublesome 3 year old.  Where did my sweet little boy go?

We had a blast a month ago in island Park at the condo.   The snow wasn't the best but we has a good time as a family!  It has become a great family tradition!  

So here is what we have been up to in our crazy lives!  Now....on to more fun!

Belated Christmas Post

How can it be that we have spent five Christmases apart?  A lot has changed in the five years you've been gone.  Your brothers are taller, stronger, very much young men instead of the boys you left behind.  Of course, we added another brother....which meant we had to change your room a bit.

The only thing that has stayed the same, and in fact, stayed in the exact same spot, is the Christmas sock.  I will never forget the circumstances in which I found it either.

Five years ago on Christmas day, as one might expect, I was inconsolable.  Tears just kept flowing.  We had opened all of our gifts and the boys were playing contently.  I went up to your bedroom--everything was still in its place.  Clothes were stacked neatly in the closet waiting to be worn for some great adventure.  Your toys left posed, awaiting your return that would never come.  Your blue blanket draped over your crib never to be used again.

I went into your room because I just needed to be where you had been;  where you had enjoyed life.  I laid down on the floor, tears streaming down my cheeks.   I glanced around the room and I noticed something under your bed.....a sock.  I had been in your room hundreds of times since that horrific day and never noticed it before.  And then I remembered, you always took off your socks during nap time, and the day you passed was no exception.  One must have fallen behind your crib to the floor for me to find six weeks later.  It was a very precious gift from you.

Every Christmas since that one, I go lay on the floor in your old room and stare at that sock.  It is still there.  In the same spot.  I don't know if I will ever move it.  It reminds me that you are still alive and such a part of our eternal family.  It is my own Christmas miracle.

I love you my wonderful boy!
Mom

Seven Reaches Toward Heaven

In my "So You Want to Raise a Boy" book, the chapter on seven year old's is entitled "Seven Reaches Toward Heaven".  It is supposed to be a pleasant year for a boy and his parents.  He is suddenly reasonable and rational.  He is fun to have around, fun to talk to and fun to work with.  He isn't a baby anymore, he is a boy....he's a fine little fellow in the making.....today Luke would have been seven.

Even though he isn't here with us, I know that he turned into a fine fellow indeed.  I recorded in my journal a month after Luke was born, on the day of his blessing, that I felt so connected to his spirit and knew how great he was going to become.....I did not know however that I would have to wait so long to see that in person.

Happy Birthday my beautiful boy.  We love you and know we will see you again someday......this is one of my favorite videos of Luke.  It was taken about a month before he passed.  Enjoy his wonderfulness with me......

He Was Right.....

Five years ago, I received a piece of advice from a wonderful man who had been my bishop, but at the time of Luke's passing, was part of the Stake Presidency.  He said, as he walked out of my house one night just a few days after Luke had died, "This will not be the hardest part.....this pain you are going through now will not be the hardest thing.  That will happen in the weeks and months and years to come."
I didn't want to believe him at the time.  I couldn't fathom being more scared, more tired, more sad, more empty than that moment.  I hated his words.....but, he was right.

It has been five years now.  At times that seems like an eternity.  Like its still a nightmare that I am bound to wake up from at any moment.  And then at times, it seems like a great accomplishment.  We lost a child, but have not let it define us.....we live with the hope of knowing that Luke is part of our family forever....not really lost at all.

I have struggled more this year than the last few.  I think it has a lot to do with this.....

And this.......

The similarities most of the time are a wonderful reminder of Luke and all that he would have been doing, but at this time of year, it has become a terrible reminder of what happened.  

And so I choose to hug him a little tighter, cuddle a lot longer, kiss his face ten times more, and hope beyond hope that Luke knows that I love him just as much and I am impatiently waiting for the day we will be reunited.  It will never come soon enough......