In Remembrance

Yesterday, we had a party at Luke's tree with a lot of people from Brian's work. They had purchased the tree for us and also, a "In Remembrance" rock to put in front of the tree. Well, the rock got installed this last week so we all got together to remember Luke. It was a good day. Brian's co-workers have become our friends, and I am so grateful for that support they give to him, everyday, when he is at work. Because, it is not easy for him to be there sometimes. So, to all of you, who support us on a daily basis, be it through prayer or a phone call or whatever, I want to say a big THANK YOU!!!

Today, I was thinking about the phrase "In Remembrance". In the LDS world, we hear it a lot. It is used to help us remember the Savior, his atonement, and all that he made possible for us. I think it must have been wonderful for Heavenly Father to have a way to have His son's name and life remembered. To have that peace that He would never be forgotten. I know that we will always remember Luke with having so much life and love for those around him. We love you, Luke! Forever, For Always, No Matter What!

Hmmmm. . .

People are always asking me how I am doing. . . which I still really appreciate. . . . I often say "fine, we're doing fine" but most of the time, in my head, I say "Hmmmmm." And, what does that mean? Well, I wish I could explain! I wish I could convey that sorrow that Brian and I feel everyday. I wonder, if I could explain it better, then it would feel better. I would feel better. But I can't explain "it". "It" to me is happiness with a generous hint of despair, laughter with a tear in your eye, moving forward while running backwards. . . what, this makes no sense. . . you are right, it doesn't. It has been 9 months since Luke died. 9 months since I felt him and held him and dressed him and kissed him. Who knew 9 months could be an eternity.

S. Michael Wilcox, who wrote When Your Prayers Seem Unanswered, said "One day, no matter what reason we may have for unhappiness; whatever trial we may face, have faced, or are then facing; one day they will all come to an end. "God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away" (Revelation 21:4). The tears will be wiped away. That end we may hope for. That end we may be assured of. In the meantime we may know that whatever happens he is going to turn it into good for us. Let the mountain waves crash. Life will be sweet eventually."

Life will be sweet eventually. . .

My Robin Hood Experience

Brian has been after me to start practice shooting with my bow (bow season is only 2 months away, ya know). And so, this is what happened. That's right, look closely. . . that is what we like to call a Robin Hood. I shot one arrow into the other. *SIGH* yep, I am just that good. So who needs to practice now, I ask you?

Picture Perfect

I love this picture. . . . even though one is missing!


We played King of the Lake; they had to gang up on me to push
me in. . . which eventually they did!

Having fun!!!!

These pictures were taken in the morning, while everyone else was sleeping. The mist is just gorgeous!

We went to Horse Thief Reservoir a few weeks ago for a little family get away. It was a beautiful place with a dock to swim and fish from right in our camp site. The morning I took the pictures of the reservoir it was so peaceful. I wish I could have bottled up that peace. Because as soon as the day started, chaos took over again. But in those few moments of quiet, I did feel at peace with life. . . . although it didn't stay long. The turmoil always over takes the peace. I wonder when that will get better. Will it get better?

Our Summer So Far. . .

Summer is in FULL swing here at the Taylor house. We have been staying busy with Girl's Camp, reunions, swimming lessons, and just playing around. And the boys had their very first lemonade stand (such entrepreneurs especially when Mike made the lemonade 5 dollars). That last picture was of us "giving" away the beautiful nativity (see "I've been Nativitied" 12/23/2009) that we got last Christmas to one of our deserving friends (Love you Kessingers).

It has been good to get out with Josh and Mike and just have fun. BUT, we miss our Luke something awful. We had A LOT of "firsts" again. . . going camping, going boating, doing anything outside. Oh, how I can imagine how much he would love to play at the lake or roast a marshmallow over the campfire. He would have loved the fireworks, and he would have been a mess after eating some of the gooey chocolate popcorn I make every year. He would be in a big boy bed by now. . .he would look so small on that big bed. The are SO MANY "He would's" in my vocabulary now.

To the memories that we ARE making. . . and the memories that WOULD have been.

So True

I just finished reading a book by Ann Hood entitled " Comfort, A Journey Through Grief". It was a good book. It described exactly how I am feeling. My favorite part of the book was this:

Grief is not linear. People kept telling me that once this happened or that passed, everything would be better. Some people gave me one year to grieve. They saw grief as a straight line, with a beginning, middle, and end. But it is not linear. It is disjointed. One day you are acting almost like a normal person. You may even manage to take a shower. Your clothes match. You think the autumn leaves look pretty, or enjoy the sound of snow crunching under your feet.Then a song, a glimpse of something, or maybe even nothing sends you back into the hole of grief. It is not one step forward, two steps back. It is a jumble. It is hours that are all right, and weeks that aren't. Or it is good days and bad days. Or it is the weight of sadness making you look different to others and nothing helps. Not haircuts or manicures or the Atkins Diet....Grief doesn't have a plot. It isn't smooth. There is no beginning and middle and end.

It is so true. I have even thought in my mind. . . if I just get through the first year, it will get better. After reading that book, and talking with other people, it never gets better. It is always there. I used to think that couldn't be true. That I just couldn't feel this way FOREVER. That someday, I would be able to be blissfully happy again.

The truth is--THIS is my reality. It will always be there, in the back of my mind and in the forefront of my heart. I must just accept it. Accept it. ACCEPT IT.

Feelings

What's wrong with me? I'm mad, I'm happy, I'm furious, I'm okay, I'm sad, I'm fine. . . .I'm a lunatic. That's what I feel like right now. I know why. I'm grieving. Well, I'm sick of grieving. And the worst part is it will never go away. I have loved having the rainy and cold weather stay so long. Everyone thinks I am nuts, but I love it and I think I know why. Yesterday, I took the kids to the park and I hated seeing all the families and toddlers. I hate having just memories of Luke. I need him here. I need to hold him and smell him and play with him. It is a physical real need and I can't fill it. There is just emptiness.