So True

I just finished reading a book by Ann Hood entitled " Comfort, A Journey Through Grief". It was a good book. It described exactly how I am feeling. My favorite part of the book was this:

Grief is not linear. People kept telling me that once this happened or that passed, everything would be better. Some people gave me one year to grieve. They saw grief as a straight line, with a beginning, middle, and end. But it is not linear. It is disjointed. One day you are acting almost like a normal person. You may even manage to take a shower. Your clothes match. You think the autumn leaves look pretty, or enjoy the sound of snow crunching under your feet.Then a song, a glimpse of something, or maybe even nothing sends you back into the hole of grief. It is not one step forward, two steps back. It is a jumble. It is hours that are all right, and weeks that aren't. Or it is good days and bad days. Or it is the weight of sadness making you look different to others and nothing helps. Not haircuts or manicures or the Atkins Diet....Grief doesn't have a plot. It isn't smooth. There is no beginning and middle and end.

It is so true. I have even thought in my mind. . . if I just get through the first year, it will get better. After reading that book, and talking with other people, it never gets better. It is always there. I used to think that couldn't be true. That I just couldn't feel this way FOREVER. That someday, I would be able to be blissfully happy again.

The truth is--THIS is my reality. It will always be there, in the back of my mind and in the forefront of my heart. I must just accept it. Accept it. ACCEPT IT.

Feelings

What's wrong with me? I'm mad, I'm happy, I'm furious, I'm okay, I'm sad, I'm fine. . . .I'm a lunatic. That's what I feel like right now. I know why. I'm grieving. Well, I'm sick of grieving. And the worst part is it will never go away. I have loved having the rainy and cold weather stay so long. Everyone thinks I am nuts, but I love it and I think I know why. Yesterday, I took the kids to the park and I hated seeing all the families and toddlers. I hate having just memories of Luke. I need him here. I need to hold him and smell him and play with him. It is a physical real need and I can't fill it. There is just emptiness.

Memorial Weekend

We had a great opportunity to go camping this weekend with some good friends of ours, the Pixtons and the Thomas!! We had a lot of fun riding four wheelers and motorbikes. One day we rode almost 30 miles and Josh rode his Honda 50 the entire time. He was a real trooper!!! Mike learned to hula hoop; I was so proud!

We definitely felt a HUGE hole while we were there. We miss Luke so much. . . everyday. We can't help but think, he should have been there with us. Why is he not with us? Was what he had to do THAT much more important, that he had to leave us? I just don't know. . . .