Belated Christmas Post

How can it be that we have spent five Christmases apart?  A lot has changed in the five years you've been gone.  Your brothers are taller, stronger, very much young men instead of the boys you left behind.  Of course, we added another brother....which meant we had to change your room a bit.

The only thing that has stayed the same, and in fact, stayed in the exact same spot, is the Christmas sock.  I will never forget the circumstances in which I found it either.

Five years ago on Christmas day, as one might expect, I was inconsolable.  Tears just kept flowing.  We had opened all of our gifts and the boys were playing contently.  I went up to your bedroom--everything was still in its place.  Clothes were stacked neatly in the closet waiting to be worn for some great adventure.  Your toys left posed, awaiting your return that would never come.  Your blue blanket draped over your crib never to be used again.

I went into your room because I just needed to be where you had been;  where you had enjoyed life.  I laid down on the floor, tears streaming down my cheeks.   I glanced around the room and I noticed something under your bed.....a sock.  I had been in your room hundreds of times since that horrific day and never noticed it before.  And then I remembered, you always took off your socks during nap time, and the day you passed was no exception.  One must have fallen behind your crib to the floor for me to find six weeks later.  It was a very precious gift from you.

Every Christmas since that one, I go lay on the floor in your old room and stare at that sock.  It is still there.  In the same spot.  I don't know if I will ever move it.  It reminds me that you are still alive and such a part of our eternal family.  It is my own Christmas miracle.

I love you my wonderful boy!
Mom

Seven Reaches Toward Heaven

In my "So You Want to Raise a Boy" book, the chapter on seven year old's is entitled "Seven Reaches Toward Heaven".  It is supposed to be a pleasant year for a boy and his parents.  He is suddenly reasonable and rational.  He is fun to have around, fun to talk to and fun to work with.  He isn't a baby anymore, he is a boy....he's a fine little fellow in the making.....today Luke would have been seven.

Even though he isn't here with us, I know that he turned into a fine fellow indeed.  I recorded in my journal a month after Luke was born, on the day of his blessing, that I felt so connected to his spirit and knew how great he was going to become.....I did not know however that I would have to wait so long to see that in person.

Happy Birthday my beautiful boy.  We love you and know we will see you again someday......this is one of my favorite videos of Luke.  It was taken about a month before he passed.  Enjoy his wonderfulness with me......

He Was Right.....

Five years ago, I received a piece of advice from a wonderful man who had been my bishop, but at the time of Luke's passing, was part of the Stake Presidency.  He said, as he walked out of my house one night just a few days after Luke had died, "This will not be the hardest part.....this pain you are going through now will not be the hardest thing.  That will happen in the weeks and months and years to come."
I didn't want to believe him at the time.  I couldn't fathom being more scared, more tired, more sad, more empty than that moment.  I hated his words.....but, he was right.

It has been five years now.  At times that seems like an eternity.  Like its still a nightmare that I am bound to wake up from at any moment.  And then at times, it seems like a great accomplishment.  We lost a child, but have not let it define us.....we live with the hope of knowing that Luke is part of our family forever....not really lost at all.

I have struggled more this year than the last few.  I think it has a lot to do with this.....

And this.......

The similarities most of the time are a wonderful reminder of Luke and all that he would have been doing, but at this time of year, it has become a terrible reminder of what happened.  

And so I choose to hug him a little tighter, cuddle a lot longer, kiss his face ten times more, and hope beyond hope that Luke knows that I love him just as much and I am impatiently waiting for the day we will be reunited.  It will never come soon enough......

Time Marches On

Wow.....I feel like such a slacker!  Summer has come and gone and there is nothing here to show for it!  There were vacations and reunions and lots of fun....but now, school has started and fall is upon us!

Josh is in 8th grade and excels in school!  He is does percussion in band and likes to play his drum set.....I wish I could say "loves" but he is a 13 year old boy.....the only thing he loves is food!!

Mike is now in 6th grade.  He does well in school but excels in friendships!  He plays the flute in band and still is playing his guitar too!  He can't wait for baseball to start!  And last week he ended up losing 4 teeth on the top of his mouth, so he only has 4 top teeth that show when he smiles.....poor kid.....but he does a great chipmunk impression!


Ben. Is. Crazy.  The terrible twos have hit....he cries....he sulks....he hits....he cries some more....it's a dang good thing that kid is cute!  His favorite song to sing is Twinkle Twinkle Little Star and he loves dinosaurs!  He is talking pretty well now and I can understand about 80% of what he says.  He loves to ride the four wheeler or motorbike and loves the outdoors!  Could you ever deny this face?

Have you ever heard the saying "We interrupt this marriage for hunting season."  Well, that is where Brian and I are at....from September on, I am a hunting widow.....now I did get to go bow hunting this year for a few days but missed a spike elk at 45 yards.....so Brian has one more weekend to bring home the elk bacon before bow season is done.....let's hope he delivers!
Luke had been on my mind a lot lately.  I keep replaying the day it happened.....I hate doing that.  I want to remember the good stuff not the bad stuff......it will be nice to start the blanket drive and do good in his memory!

Well, that is the update for now! Here are some great pics from our summer!

Terrible Two

Ok.....so maybe the title isn't completely accurate.....two isn't so bad.....IF this kid wouldn't have been hospitalized twice already......or IF he wasn't absolutely and totally spoiled because of his cuteness.....or IF he wasn't my 4th child, but only the 3rd one to reach this age.......that fact is just......I can't describe it....

I haven't had a 2 year old for 11 years......what do I do with that?   Embrace it?  Hate it?  It is what it is?

I can't really tell you how I feel about reaching this day....Ben is two....Luke never turned two.   Do I think about that a lot; well, lately I have.  They would have loved each other so much.  He would have loved having a playmate and brother closer to him than 9 years apart from him.

But, this is our life.....this is what our family looks like......Luke is always there with us, just unseen.  And that I just have to live with.

So today, our baby boy turned 2 and it was a PARTY!  He loves dinosaurs....a love he gets from his brothers!  So we dinosaur-ed it up.....the cake, the pinata, and the presents!

He is such a delight.  He is super cute and we just love to kiss his cheeks off!

Here is a sampler:

And this video is just stinking adorable!  Forgive the outfit.....he had gotten wet from the pool at the Auntie's house and she graciously gave him a t-shirt to wear!  I love that he just let the ladybug crawl wherever!

13,11,and 23 months

Those 3 numbers have been circulating in my head this week.....as it is birthday week for my oldest boys...

Josh turned 13 today.....am I ready for a teenager.....I submit that I AM NOT.

Josh is my responsible, and caring, but a relentless teaser.   He is smart and has a dry sense of humor, just like his dad!  He is an A type personality but lets it all go when he plays his drums!

Mike turned 11 this week.   

Mike is loving and lovable.  He is the first do to what is asked of him.....most of the time.  He is relaxed and just goes with the flow.  He loves playing baseball and playing the guitar and flute!

And then there is Benjamin.  He turned 23 months today....which in a normal household wouldn't be a 

big landmark day....... 

but in ours, it is a reminder of all that we lost 4 1/2 years ago.  If Ben shared the same fate as his brother, he would be gone in 2 days......I know we shouldn't, but it's hard not to think that way.   But what can you do?  We can't live our lives in fear or despair of what awaits around the corner.....we just have to live....and have an enormous amount of faith in what awaits for us on the other side.....for I know it will be glorious!

I am glad to be a mother to 4 amazing sons....it is a privilege always, and just plain hard sometimes.........

 just the way it's supposed to be!

April is for Fools!

So this month truly started off with a BANG when Ben broke his leg.......

He was at my gym's daycare and tried to step up on a bouncy ball, which of course rolled out from underneath him..... and BAM.....broken tibia.....

But it has already been 3 weeks in his cast, and it is off!  He is doing so much better but still limps around like he has a cast on.  

This last Saturday, I ran the half marathon Robie Creek....it is wicked hard.  The course is 8.1 miles up a mountain then 5 miles down the backside of it.  It.  Was.  Painful.  But such a good accomplishment.  The last time I ran it was 4 1/2 years ago, 6 months after Luke passed away.  I was in such a bad place then.  This time, I could think of him and smile.  I wanted to make him proud of me.  

And a few days before I ran the race, I had a birthday--olé!!  Turning 36 wasn't that bad at all!!  But I am a birthday lover!  Bring on old age baby!  I am almost ready for that rocking chair......just need to get a few more miles under my belt!

For Shame, For Shame

I cannot believe that I haven't posted in over 2 months......for shame, for shame.....

But you see, I have been SUPER busy......January was filled with kids going back to school and getting back to normal after Christmas break.....February was our family vacation and the high school play Pirates of Penzance (I helped with costumes and hence the title of this post).......but that is no excuse, especially when I have cute photos like this to show the world.....

Don't you think the tag line should read:

"You feelin' lucky Punk?"

Ben is almost 21 months old.  And the closer he gets to 23 months, the crankier I get.  I have tried to analyze why this would be, but don't come up with a good answer.  I know he is safe and nothing is going to happen to him just because he is 23 months old.  It crazy what the mind will do to you!

Our family vacation this year to Island Park was pretty great.  We got to visit and play with our families which is always nice when you don't get to see them very often!

Yep.  Josh is officially as tall as both his grandmothers, but I only got the picture of Grandma Butikofer (she doesn't look happy about it....hehehehe).  I love it!

And here is our Ben being the big boy he is,

Sometimes, it just hits me how blessed I am.  I have a good husband, 4 wonderful boys, great and crazy family....I am a lucky girl......

Don't ya think?