Luke's Tree in the Spring

Here is Luke's tree. . . it looks so different than the way I feel. I'm still stagnant. I'm still asleep. And I'm hoping that when I do wake up this will have all been a bad dream. . . .

But, like the tree, that is growing and green, life has kept going. There are times when I am gratefully pulled along by "things". But, there are times when I want to dig my heels in the dirt and say NO. Not without him. Not without my baby. Not without my Luke.

But, Luke is just like the tree. He is alive. He is vibrant. He is still learning and growing. I know this. I do.

But, it doesn't change the hurting. It doesn't change the wishing. It doesn't change the aching.

I guess I am sort of like the tree. . . .when the wind blows through it, leaves still fall off. The leaves are small and some are even brown. The tree still has a long way to go before it is strong enough to withstand the wind and the cold. I still have a long way to go. I hope I will become strong again, or just, strong enough.

Thrilling Thirteen

Today Brian and I have been married thirteen years. And, oh, what an amazing ride it has been. For those of you who don't know, Brian and I met at the hospital in Idaho Falls. I was but a mere senior just 17 and he was home from his mission, a more "mature" 22 year old. Well, I thought he was cute and wanted to go out with him. So Cameron and Tari set us up. That first date was 14 years ago.

Almost half my life has been spent with Brian. I am constantly amazed at what he does, all that he can accomplish in a day. He is such a hard worker and is so talented. We are best friends. I love that we can communicate without even talking. . . all he has to do is shoot me a look and I know exactly what he is thinking. The trials that we have gone through and are going through now have made us closer. I cannot imagine a world that he is not in! I love you Brian!! Happy Anniversary, My B!!

Josh's Nine

WOW!!!!! Our oldest is nine. . . just nine years ago today, we had our first kid! He has been, shall we say, a rambunctious kid from the very beginning. He loves life and learning. We are so glad he is in our family. Here are nine nitty-gritty facts about Josh:

1. His favorite color is blue.

2. His favorite food is cheeseburgers.

3. He is a commonly called "The Mayor"

4. He LOVES the computer or DS or anything closely related!

5. He loves to read.

6. He loves to tease!

7. He is good at drawing!

8. He hates PDA! (just like his Dad)!

9. He is an excellent student!!!

We love you so much buddy!!!

Mike's Seven

Mikey's seven today!!! I can't believe it! Mike has always been our laid back, very loving kid!!! He is such a wonderful kid and we are so glad to have him in our family. Here are 7 FANTASTIC facts about Mike:

1. He is loving!

2. He is our Outdoor Kid-he always wants to be outside!

3. He has a very high voice for which he gained the nickname Beaker!

4. His favorite color is red!

5. He has the same size foot as Josh!

6. He knows all the girls names in his class, but none of the boys! Hmmmmm!!

7. He is the same height at 7 years old as Josh was at 8 years old!

We love you so much Mike!!!

6 Months

Has it really been 6 months? Wow. It feels more like 6 days. . . .and then, sometimes, more like 60 years. A definite line has been drawn in the sands of our life. On one side is life with Luke and on the other is life without him. I hate it. I know that this is my reality now, and that I need to accept it, but I don't want to. I still catch myself doing things as if he were still here. Yesterday, the boys came in the house and let the door slam shut and I almost yelled at them not to wake up their brother, then I remembered. . . how can this be my life? It hurts more than I can describe. I want answers to questions that probably can never be answered in this life. I found this excerpt from a blog that I love and wanted to share it:

I know you've heard this analogy before, but I often think of the brother of Jared (in the Book of Mormon) and his lengthy trip to the promised land. Those boats could not have moved without the fierce wind and tempests. With still water they would never have reached their destination. But when they were in the depths of the sea, tossed about by the very winds that were carrying them to the promised land, the winds that their Lord could command to cease, they did cry unto the Lord and "he did bring them forth again upon the top of the waters." And even while they were tumbling in the water for over a year, "no monster of the sea could break them." And when they reached their destination, they praised the Lord and did "shed tears of joy" because "of the multitudes of his tender mercies over them." It is a wonder to me that they did not curse the Lord and ask why they couldn't have traveled another way, a more gentle way. But I think they recognized the necessity of the constant wind--"the wind did never cease to blow toward the promised land." This storm, this tempest, this fierce wind, this complete upheaval in your life is moving you toward the promised land. And God will bring you forth again upon the top of the waters.

I hope I get to the promised land quickly. . . .