The Big Reveal

So we had our BIG ultrasound last week and we found out what we were having. . . .

I think this picture says it all:



Yep.

Four boys.

Apparently, that is all we know how to make.

I am excited and scared to death. It is harder than I thought it would be. . . .

I didn't think I would be so unhinged by all the decisions we have to make--should we use Luke's crib or not; should we use his room or not; should we use his clothes or not. Every decision we make reminds us that Luke isn't here.

But there is a flip side to the grief. It is joy. . . . that another wonderful spirit will be joining our family. And although he won't remember it, he is with his amazing brother Luke right now.

It is a wondrous thing that joy and grief can live side by side in my heart.

But, they do.

So Grateful

There is no way to explain the how grateful I am for my knowledge of the gospel. It has saved me. . .comforted me. . . inspired me. . . and now my children are beginning to put together the principles of the gospel too.

Today, during Sharing Time, we had a guest teach the children about the Plan of Salvation, or what we sometimes call the Plan of Happiness. When we got home from church, Josh went into Luke's room and drew this on the dry erase board.



He drew the Celestial Kingdom. Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ, and family are there. Today we learned that this is where we want to make it to--the Celestial Kingdom-- so we can be with Heavenly Father and Christ and our families. But Josh added "L.T". . . . Luke Taylor, and a smiley face. It made my cry. This truly is our Plan of Happiness.

And like Josh said. . . we will see him at the Kingdom!

I Wonder

A blog that I stalk had a post about this picture.

I can't stop looking at it.

I wonder if this is how it is sometimes. Does Luke get to comfort me? Is he around me and I don't realize it. That thought makes me sad. I want to know when he is around me, but to be honest, I can't feel him. I hope he is there. I still talk to him sometimes, but nobody answers. It's just a crazy lady talking to the air.

I miss him. I want him here. I want his new sibling to know him.

But, reality is too strong to change any of my wondering or wanting.

Oh What a Holiday It Has Been

The holidays have been. . . what's the word. . . different, hard, heavy. . . .these last 2 years. It is hard to be excited about them. We want to be for Josh and Mike. And, at times, it seems like we can remember what it was like before. . . . the excitement, the joy, the blissfully happy moments. Ah, but then grief settles in for a nice long nap and we return to. . . well. . . to life.

But, there have been some good times and I want to share them. The holidays started off with this:





Many of you know that I bought the boys a dry erase board some time ago and it resides in Luke's room. The boys often leave him messages on it. But I just thought these were the best, don't you?

And then there was this:





So many people came to release balloons for Luke on his birthday. We surely do feel loved and supported by our wonderful friends and family!!!


And no one would want to miss this:




Christmas Day! Our boys in their new jammies, big grins on there faces, and love abounding!!

Last, but not least, this:



Most of the Butikofer grandkids. Only 2 are missing. . . the oldest grandchild, who couldn't be there, and Luke. Although this picture hurts the most, it is also the most precious. Look at all those beautiful kids. Family is EVERYTHING!!

So, that is what our holidays looked like and I think it looks pretty good.

Happy Birthday Luke

Happy 4th Birthday Luke! We love you so much! We so wish we could spend this day with you. I wonder what you would be like as a 4 year old. You had so much attitude at 2 that I think I can imagine!


Holding to my tradition, I want to tell you about the day of your birth. My labor started at around 1:00 in the morning. Brian and I had a party we went to the night before that I helped with and we suspect that is what put me into labor. We went to the hospital and I was dilated to a 3. So they wanted me to walk around and they even had me sit in a warm tub to see if I would dilate so more. After an hour, I was almost a 4 so they decided to admit me and get things going. And then the waiting began. We waited. And waited. And waited. And waited. I just wasn't progressing. The doctor finally checked me and discovered that you were trying to come out the wrong way; you were face up. So he tried to turn you four times so you were coming out the right way, and you just wouldn't stay. So the doc said that I would just have to get you out this way. So I pushed and pushed and pushed and you finally came into the world at around 4 o'clock. You were a little squirt at just 6 lbs. 6 oz., but we were thrilled to have you here! And we are still thrilled to have you in our family. . .forever!

Something amazing happened today, son. Your dad and I went over to your Aunt Tina's because she wanted to show us something. To our suprise, she and lots of our wonderful friends and family had made blankets to honor your wonderful little life. We are donating them to The Linus Project in your name. The goal was to get 23 blankets, but they did 43 just for you. . . and for us. Every blanket. . . . every stitch. . . all the love that went into making those blankets. . . it's so wonderfully overwhelming. You are loved and remembered by all those people. It is amazing. I am so grateful to them for doing such a loving thing for us.

Luke, we love you. I know you are with us and I know we will be together again.
With all our love,
Your Family

Time

It has been said that time is the cruelest teacher; first, she gives the test, then teaches the lesson.

Almost 2 years have now gone by since I last saw my Luke. . 2 years. . . 730 days; 17,520 hours; 1,051,200 minutes. He has now been gone from us longer than he was with us.

I have decided that time is a wonderful blessing and a cruel enemy.

During the last two years, I have learned to deal with my grief better. I have learned that I will always have a hole in my heart, but that I can be happy. I have gained a testimony of eternal families. I have grown closer to my husband. Time has helped me accomplish these things.

But, time has also ripped from me precious memories. Josh and Mike continue to grow and learn. The pictures on the wall change as they get one year older. Luke's picture remains the same. He doesn't grow. He doesn't change. I can't hear his laugh. Time has stolen that which was most precious.

"Time is the longest distance between two places."

"Death is one moment, and life is so many of them."
--Tennessee Williams

I love you my Luker boy, my little Cookie Lukey!

At Sunset

This past week, Brian and I went elk hunting. We did a lot of hiking, waiting, listening, and then more hiking. We didn't get anything, but we did get to spend some good time together. We had many unspoken conversations. We had many spoken conversations. It was good. But. . . I have to say, the best part of the trip for me was being able to see the sunset, at 7000 ft., being level with the sun as it went down. It was, well, heavenly. I feel closer to Luke in the mountains. I know it sounds crazy, but I feel closer to heaven when I am physically closer to the sky. One particular night, I was watching the sun go down from my lofty unobstructed view. It had been raining so there were storm clouds in the sky. I watched as the storm came in, blocking the sun from view. I watched as the storm moved over me, revealing the sun once more. There were also fluffy clouds tinged orange from the sun that remained which I thought was interesting. The storm clouds were moving but the sunny clouds were not. They had been there before the storm and stayed after it moved out. And, of course, being the philosophical girl I am, I related it to my life. Luke, is the sun and fluffy clouds, and the storm is this life. He is always there. But, for now, he is obstructed from my view. But, the storm will pass, and I will be able to see is light once again.

It is like getting a glimpse of heaven.