Happy Birthday Luke

Happy 4th Birthday Luke! We love you so much! We so wish we could spend this day with you. I wonder what you would be like as a 4 year old. You had so much attitude at 2 that I think I can imagine!


Holding to my tradition, I want to tell you about the day of your birth. My labor started at around 1:00 in the morning. Brian and I had a party we went to the night before that I helped with and we suspect that is what put me into labor. We went to the hospital and I was dilated to a 3. So they wanted me to walk around and they even had me sit in a warm tub to see if I would dilate so more. After an hour, I was almost a 4 so they decided to admit me and get things going. And then the waiting began. We waited. And waited. And waited. And waited. I just wasn't progressing. The doctor finally checked me and discovered that you were trying to come out the wrong way; you were face up. So he tried to turn you four times so you were coming out the right way, and you just wouldn't stay. So the doc said that I would just have to get you out this way. So I pushed and pushed and pushed and you finally came into the world at around 4 o'clock. You were a little squirt at just 6 lbs. 6 oz., but we were thrilled to have you here! And we are still thrilled to have you in our family. . .forever!

Something amazing happened today, son. Your dad and I went over to your Aunt Tina's because she wanted to show us something. To our suprise, she and lots of our wonderful friends and family had made blankets to honor your wonderful little life. We are donating them to The Linus Project in your name. The goal was to get 23 blankets, but they did 43 just for you. . . and for us. Every blanket. . . . every stitch. . . all the love that went into making those blankets. . . it's so wonderfully overwhelming. You are loved and remembered by all those people. It is amazing. I am so grateful to them for doing such a loving thing for us.

Luke, we love you. I know you are with us and I know we will be together again.
With all our love,
Your Family

Time

It has been said that time is the cruelest teacher; first, she gives the test, then teaches the lesson.

Almost 2 years have now gone by since I last saw my Luke. . 2 years. . . 730 days; 17,520 hours; 1,051,200 minutes. He has now been gone from us longer than he was with us.

I have decided that time is a wonderful blessing and a cruel enemy.

During the last two years, I have learned to deal with my grief better. I have learned that I will always have a hole in my heart, but that I can be happy. I have gained a testimony of eternal families. I have grown closer to my husband. Time has helped me accomplish these things.

But, time has also ripped from me precious memories. Josh and Mike continue to grow and learn. The pictures on the wall change as they get one year older. Luke's picture remains the same. He doesn't grow. He doesn't change. I can't hear his laugh. Time has stolen that which was most precious.

"Time is the longest distance between two places."

"Death is one moment, and life is so many of them."
--Tennessee Williams

I love you my Luker boy, my little Cookie Lukey!

At Sunset

This past week, Brian and I went elk hunting. We did a lot of hiking, waiting, listening, and then more hiking. We didn't get anything, but we did get to spend some good time together. We had many unspoken conversations. We had many spoken conversations. It was good. But. . . I have to say, the best part of the trip for me was being able to see the sunset, at 7000 ft., being level with the sun as it went down. It was, well, heavenly. I feel closer to Luke in the mountains. I know it sounds crazy, but I feel closer to heaven when I am physically closer to the sky. One particular night, I was watching the sun go down from my lofty unobstructed view. It had been raining so there were storm clouds in the sky. I watched as the storm came in, blocking the sun from view. I watched as the storm moved over me, revealing the sun once more. There were also fluffy clouds tinged orange from the sun that remained which I thought was interesting. The storm clouds were moving but the sunny clouds were not. They had been there before the storm and stayed after it moved out. And, of course, being the philosophical girl I am, I related it to my life. Luke, is the sun and fluffy clouds, and the storm is this life. He is always there. But, for now, he is obstructed from my view. But, the storm will pass, and I will be able to see is light once again.

It is like getting a glimpse of heaven.

The First Day of Quiet, a.k.a., The First Day of School

Ahhhh. . . I think most of us love those all too familiar sounds of bus brakes squeaking, and children playing at the bus stops. That means that school has begun. Now, I LOVE my kids, more than anything. But, there does come a point where the summer gets to be too long and they NEED to go back to school. They need to be learning and running and making friends. It is a good time.

I do miss them during the day. I also very much miss the little man that I should be taking care of while his big brothers are at school. I can almost see him in the picture above, standing with his brothers, wanting to go to school too, waiting at the bus stop with them and waving as they drive away. And, then, running to meet them when they get home.

Someday, we will have the opportunity to make those memories.

I am sure of it.

Empty Arms

I am having one of those weeks. . . . I just ache to hold Luke. I hate (that is not even a strong enough word) having empty arms. And, no matter what I try to do to fill the void, it cannot be filled.

I try to remember every part of him. I look at pictures and blow them up to see a hand. . . a foot. . . his eyes. . . the hairs on his beautiful head. . . I just need to remember. . . I just need to feel him.

Miss you Luker boy!

It's a LONG One!!!

The last ten days have been a blur. . . .a crazy, fun blur, but still there was definite blurriness. . . possibly caused by lack of sleep, LOTS (and lots and lots and lots) of driving, and the FUN we had while on our summer family vacation this year.

It all started last Friday when we drove to Idaho Falls on our way to Montana. Why Montana, you ask? Well, one of Brian's sisters was getting married, and the Taylor family reunion was there this year. So, yes, Montana. On Saturday, we drove from Idaho Falls to Bozeman, where the Museum of the Rockies resides. They have dinosaurs and frogs and a planetarium and a gift shop. . . truly, every boys dream! We had a lot of fun and learned a lot too!








Then Sunday morning came, and we were off to Billings, where two of Brian's sisters live. We had a wonderful two days with Brian's Family. We played. We laughed. We cried. Okay, just Mike cried because he crashed with his dad while doing the 3 legged race and got all scraped up, or maybe it was because they lost to Josh and me. Anyway, it was fabulous!









Then, on Tuesday, Brian's sister got remarried. Here are a few pictures of that day. . . .






We drove home to Kuna on Wednesday so that on Thursday we could go to Brian's Aunt's remarriage in the Twin Falls temple. That was a great experience for us to be able to see her happy and excited for that day!




Then. . . . yes, it continues. Then, we went camping Friday and Saturday with some of our great friends. . . if they still want to be friends after our camping experience! We went fishing and tubing and water skiing, top all that off with a wonderful sunburn over parts you never knew you had and you have a good time, my friend.





That leaves us with today, Brian's 38th birthday. Man, he is getting up there, but he can still slalom ski, hike up mountains to get the BIG elk, snowmobile straight up a mountain, jump on the tramp with his kids, build just about anything with wood, so I figure he is doing just fine. Happy Birthday, my B! We love ya!



Now, it is FINALLY the end to this incredibly long post, but I just had to get it all in there. Whew!!!!!!

I'm So Glad That He's My Dad!

Today I asked Mike and Josh what they loved most about their Dad. Mike said, "I love him. I like to go fishing and camping with him. He is nice to me!" Josh said, "I like him," I said, "Could you tell me a bit more?" Josh said, "Just him." (SMARTALEC!!!) Then Josh added, "I like to play with him!"

I know that Father's Day is very bitter sweet for Brian. He loves us so much and the fact that one of us isn't here, makes this day almost unbearable for him. But. . . he is strong and loving and he carries on. I am so grateful, everyday, for him in our lives. He does his very best everyday and I love him so much!

And, just for a side note, today, Brian was sustained as the 2nd counselor in the bishopric. Crazy, right? We shall see how the next few months go!

Brian, we love you and appreciate you and we are so very proud of you! You are the BEST!

What a Weekend!

This last weekend, Mike was baptized. Since most of my family was coming, we decided to turn it into the Butikofer Family Reunion 2011 (sounds official, right?). We had so much fun having everyone here--the scavenger hunt, the staying up until all hours of the night, the eating--it was FANTASTIC!


Mike was VERY excited to get baptized. After it was all over, I asked him what his favorite part was, and he said going under the water and being confirmed. He is such a great kid. We love him so much. There were so many people there to help support him and cheer him on. We love ALL of you so much and are so grateful for you!!!!



I knew this weekend was going to be hard for Brian and I. We are really trying to celebrate what we have--two wonderful, amazing, crazy boys that are here, who need us. But. . . . we are always thinking of Luke; there is still a weight to everything we do.

Did you know the last family picture we took of ALL of us was at Josh's baptism two short years ago. Two years ago, Luke was here. He was okay. He was smiling. He was laughing. He was playing. He was here for me to hold.


And now, the picture is so different. The hole in our family so big. . . . but, that is just for time, and not for eternity.

yes.

When you get married in the temple, you don't say I will, or I promise, or even I do. You simply say. . . . yes.

Fourteen years ago, I said yes. I said yes to a boy I thought I knew EVERYTHING about and who I thought I loved. He was a wonderful, kind and generous guy. We were ready to begin our lives together. Nothing could get in the way of our happiness.

Fourteen years later, Brian is still just as wonderful, just as kind, and just as generous as he was. But, some things have definitely changed. I now absolutely know, without question, what kind of man he is. He is AMAZING. I now absolutely know that I love him beyond ANYTHING words can describe.


This knowledge has come through laughter brought on by nutty jokes and incessant teasing from Brian's hands. Also, from the many "discussions" we have had throughout our marriage, which helped us understand each other better. I can't say we never went to bed angry, but we always resolved our disagreements quickly. And, of course, through the tears we have shed together, through our trials, we have learned how to depend on each other.

To my wonderful husband, my eternal companion, my best friend,

Happy 14th Anniversary! I love you so much! Thank you for making the last fourteen years worth it!

Ahhhh.. . . Josh is Ten!

I have a book called "So You Want to Raise a Boy". It has been a very valuable piece of literature for me in raising our sons. It has chapters on EVERY year of a boy's life and tells you what to expect as a parent.

The chapter on ten year olds is entitled "The Golden Age of Ten". All I have to say is . . . I hope that's true!!! Josh is a very energetic, but fun kid. He loves, loves, LOVES to tease anyone and everyone, which he gets from his dad! He does have a bit of a competitive streak. . . I have no idea where he got that from!!!


Josh loves school and he excels in most of the subjects, especially math, but his very favorite subject is social studies/science. Josh likes to be inside playing the computer, or building anything with everything he can find!

(I gave Josh a shirt that has this on it, and when he opened it he said, "That is sooo me". It drives his VERY outdoor parents crazy sometimes!)

Josh has come into the oldest role very well. He is starting to be more responsible and be more helpful, which is fantastic for me! He is a rule follower (except for the rules he doesn't like) and he likes to make sure everyone else follows the rules too (maybe he'll be a politician someday. . . lets hope not!).

Joshua, Happy Birthday to our Wonderful Son! We love you so much!

It's Great to be Eight

Mike turned eight yesterday. I know it is a cliche, but where did the time go?

Michael has always been our laid back kid. He always goes with the flow and he is just nice. Now, that is not to say that he did not get a smidgin of the teasing gene, because he most certainly did.



Mike loves to be outside. He loves to camp, bike, swim, jump on the tramp, play baseball, anything you can do outside, Mike is there.




Another thing to note about Mike. . . GIRLS. I don't know what it is, but Mike is a girl magnent. For instance, my kids get to have BIG, invite your friends birthday party on significant birthdays, 8, 12, 16. . . . so this is Mike's first "real" birthday party. We sat down two weeks ago to make up the guest list. On it are 8 girl names . . . that's it. And they ALL came. I can't figure it out, but Mike has a lot of friends that are girls! Maybe this picture did shape his life?!?



Happy Eighth Birthday Mikey! We love you so much and are so glad you are in our family!

Our Easter Festivities

This year, the Easter Bunny did not come visit our house, or really, I should say, he wasn't invited. Is that horrible? Am I a bad mom? Well, either way, it just didn't happen. I justified it as being a good thing. I have tried really hard the last 18 months to teach my children what the resurrection is, and what it means for our family. So, the bunny wasn't what I wanted them to focus on. . . but in my defense, they got to go to TWO Easter Egg hunts.





I didn't think that this Easter would be that difficult, emotionally. But, it was. It is hard not to be able to watch Luke scramble around finding candy filled eggs, just to find one, sit down, and eat the contents right there. I miss that so much.

We always set a place for Luke, at the table, on special Holidays. It broke my heart to put out his little cup and spoon and plate, and have no one to be there to fill the space. But more that that, Easter is about the resurrection. And the resurrection is what makes it possible to me to be with Luke again. Without that, there would be no Luke. . . there would be no eternal families. The resurrection makes it all possible and that makes the resurrection so very important to me. I need to know I will be with Luke again or I will not be able to go on.

Here are some pictures of our past Easter Festivities--







Happy Easter Luker Boy!